My life without Peyton

New Year

2010-01-22T12:34:00.003-05:00

I know its been awhile since I poster but its hard to find time with our new lil one. Paisley was born on December 1st, 2009 weighing in at 5lbs 15oz and 19 inches long. She looks so much like her big brother. I miss him more each day and wish both of my children were here with me. She is a blessing straight from God. Its hard when people ask if this is our first and we have to say no and then explain what happened when they ask how old he is. I wish he could be here to play with his sister. To be her protector when she gets older. Her shoulder to lean on when times get hard. Its so difficult to know that one day we will have to explain to her that she has an older brother who lives in Heaven. I just hope she never feels like she was a replacement for him because she is truly wanted for her and not to feel a void that will never be filled. There is no replacing your child. He was an angel and a very special boy and I am so proud to call him my son. Well that's all for now. God bless.

This time of year

2009-11-21T13:11:00.002-05:00

I know its been a long time since I have posted. I have been busy getting ready for Peyton's lil sister's arrival. This time of year is so hard especially this year. I want to be excited and happy for our new lil girl's birthday and first Christmas but I miss my sweet boy so badly. He would be so big now. I know people think that by having a new baby on the way all the pain of missing your baby goes away. Sometimes I think its just the opposite. I will be a mother of two but only have one child with me. Everyone asks, "is this your first?" and I have to give the dreaded no my son passed away at 4 months old. Then its always"I'm sorry." I know unless you have been through this you can't truly understand. There will never be a time when I don't miss my son or want to be with him, even if I had 10 more children he is still my lil boy. I am going to go for now but I will try to post again a lil sooner next time.

Its been a year today

2009-08-08T01:21:00.000-04:00

Its been a year today since we said goodbye to our sweet Peyton. I am missing him so much and my heart is breaking. I just want to hold him again. I am having a hard time grieving and trying to get ready for the new baby at the same time. I miss my sweet lil son so much I can't stand it. I love you Peyton. Mommy and daddy love you and miss you so much.

Another member to "the club"

2009-06-28T08:32:00.000-04:00

Today I will go to pay my respects to another lil angel who went to be with Jesus way before his parents had wished. Unfortunately "the club" that no one ever wants to join has two new members. The club you join when your sweet child goes to be with the Lord before you. Please pray for Martha and Kevin as they enter this difficult time of saying goodbye for the last time on earth before they are reunited with Eli on the streets of Heaven one day. I just get comfort in knowing Peyton was there to greet him and they now play together at their Father's feet while they wait for us and wonder why so many tears are shed. Truly they are were we all long to be one sweet day. I hope our sweet angels look down on us today and realize how much they are loved and missed.

Looking towards the future cautiously

2009-05-29T08:59:00.000-04:00

I know its been a long time since my last post but there has been alot going on these days. We found out on Easter that we are expecting our 2nd child and I have been having alot of exhaustion and morning sickness. I am now more aware of what can happen and go wrong so I find myself worrying over the smallest things. I am so afraid that this little one will join their big brother in heaven. I hope and pray that we make it past 27 weeks this time and that we get to bring our sweet baby home. My heart is so heavy as I miss Peyt more every day. I would give anything to see my sweet baby smile just one more time.
We also went to a memorial at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital where Peyt passed away. It was bittersweet to be at the last place where I held my child. It was a beautiful service and a room full of people who were all a part of a club that no one should have to belong to. I wish that another parent never had to say goodbye to their child again, but there is a reason for everything. I miss my sweet baby each day as his brother/ sister grows inside me and can't help but wish it was him and I could have my time with him again. Its not that this baby isn't wanted or loved for who he/she will become. This baby is a blessing I know, but I am human.
Anyways, I am going to go get some sleep now and try to get ready for another night at work. In case you are wondering this sweet baby is due December 22nd. Please pray for my husband and I while we struggle to figure out how to enjoy this pregnancy, and that this child will be born healthy and on time. Thanks so much. God bless you all.

Peyton's 1st Birthday

2009-04-04T23:35:00.001-04:00

In just a few minutes it will be April 5th, 2009. I was looking forward to celebrating Peyt's first birthday. I was going to give him one of those little cakes and just let him enjoy it. Instead tomorrow our family and close friends will celebrate that day that our sweet angel came into our lives here on earth while he celebrates with Jesus in Heaven. I have to say that he will probably have a much better time than I will. I keep remembering this time last year. My lil miracle came into this world at 27 weeks on April 5th 2008 at 6:42PM. He was 1lb 9 oz and 13 inches long. I fell in love as soon as I saw him. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I am soo blessed and thankful for those 4 precious months with him. I just get selfish sometimes and want to have him here. Please remember me and my family as we celebrate his birthday tomorrow.

Missing my sweet baby

2009-02-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

Its been awhile since I have posted but I have been busy trying to keep up with life. I have been working full time and am getting ready to start working my 2nd job. All the meanwhile I am learning to grieve. I am saddened each day as I remember I have to wake up, get up, and go on without my sweet Peyt. I love him so much and my arms ache to hold him. At times, all I can think about is him. His sweet face, his heart melting smile, the way he could always make a bad day better. I loved every minute of our short time together. I can only hope he knows how much he is loved and missed. It is getting harder as what would have been his 1st birthday approaches. I have to figure out a way to honor his memory on that special day. Well I am off to clean house. I miss you my sweet, beautiful angel.

Taking it day by day

2009-01-26T09:53:00.001-05:00

Some days are easier than others. At times I wonder how I am supposed to even get up but then I realize my sweet Peyton wouldn't want me to give up. He never gave up even when it was hard.It truly keeps me going. I am so proud that I can call him my son. God blessed me so much by allowing me to see what it was like to have a miracle happen to you. I know some people are like "how is he a miracle when he died"?, but he took a breath, cried, and I was only 7 weeks pregnant when he was born. God is truly awesome. He knew I needed at least a small amount of time with him. I thank God that he showed me what unconditional love is. He showed me what its like to be completely selfless and to not take life for granted. My sweet Peyt's memorial marker is finally up and is so beautiful. Just pray that God gives me strength to heal as some days aren't quite so easy to feel like this. Thanks.

Its getting harder

2009-01-15T17:59:00.001-05:00

I don't know if its finally starting to sink in but I've been having a hard time lately. I miss Peyton so much I can hardly breathe. I see his face when I close my eyes and I just want him here with me. His permanent grave marker was finally installed and it seems to make it more real that my little boy is gone. I see that stone and its like wow its real. It hurts so bad. I have been having alot of anxiety lately. I just hope I can keep his memory alive. It hurts whenever someone says "Do you have any children?" and my reply is always yes but he has passed away. I always get the same I'm sorry and I say its fine but its really not fine. It hurts so bad. Its supposed to be the child burying the parent not the other way around. I miss my sweet boy. I miss his smell, his smile, and even his cry. What I would give just to have him in my arms again. I miss him so. I have never loved anyone so much. Please keep me in your prayers for I am weak. Thanks.

Goodbye 2008: The best and worst year of my life

2008-12-31T07:14:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a lil torn today as I prepare for the new year. This time last year I was looking forward to 2008 and my new life as a mommy. Now I look forward to 2009 as a new start after my sweet angel baby went to heaven. Best day of my life was April 5th, 2008 as I gave birth to Peyton Elijah Ray Walker, 1lb 9 oz 13 inch miracle. Worst day of my life was August 8th, 2008 as I had to say goodbye to my sweet miracle. I hope that Peyt knows he will never be forgotten. He will always be my baby, my first child. No matter if I am blessed with others he will always be my first. I love him and miss him everyday. Its hard sometimes to just get through the day I want him here so badly. I go on because I have to. God gives me strength or I would never get out of bed. I am looking forward to the new year and hope that 2009 will bring more memories and a better year. I look forward to trying again as I know the joy being a mother brings thanks to my sweet Peyton. I never knew my heart could love so much and so unconditionally. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to have him here, but I do feel peace knowing where he is. I love you Peyton. You are the highlight of 2008. Mommy misses and loves you so much. Happy New Year in heaven!

Christmas Letter to My Sweet Peyton

2008-12-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

Dear sweet Peyt,
I just wanted you to know that even though I know my arms are aching to hold you, I am so overjoyed that I can at least have peace that you are celebrating with Jesus. I can just imagine your big bright smile as you sit at our Father's table on that wonderful Christmas morn. I know that you will have a joyous celebration there while we are missing you here. My heart breaks that I will never experience Christmas with you but Mommy can't be selfish. God wanted you home with him and Mommy is so thankful for the time I had with you here. You made my life so much better my sweet boy. Mommy loves you sooo very much. I also smile as I think about you, Hannah, Carly, and all the other angel babies play around Heaven's tree. I know you all will be with us in our hearts until we can be there again. Just know that even though it seems like Mommy cries alot that its just because I miss you so much my sweet boy. I love you and miss you terribly. Please know that I will see you again one day. Until then I will miss you and keep your memory alive. I hope you liked your trees and your special ornament. Merry Christmas baby boy. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
P.S. You will always be my baby just know that.

2008-12-16T17:47:00.000-05:00

Please pray for Kayleigh and her family.
http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

4 Months Today

2008-12-08T10:57:00.000-05:00

Well the title says it all. Its been 4 months today since we said goodbye to our dear sweet boy. My heart is breaking as it feels fresh everytime the 8th of the month rolls around. I think well at this time x months ago we were kissing his precious face, etc. I hate the feeling of emptiness. Everyne is like just pray harder but sometimes try as I may nothing helps that pain. I do believe God is with me and he gets me through this without completely losing it. Without him I would not get through the day to day things. As a parent I long to hold my baby in my arms. I want to sing to him again, change his diaper, and tell him what a sweet, strong boy he is. Of course, the holidays are making the pain alot more raw. Everyone says what they can to try to help but sometimes they aren't sure what to say. I miss him so much and it hurts so bad. I want to be holding my baby telling him about Christmas. I know he gets to spend it with the one who was born on Christmas and died for our sins, but I am selfish and just want him here. Whenever someone complains cause their baby kept them up all night I just want to say cherish those moments. They can be taken away in an instant. Sorry this is so on the sad side, but thats how I feel today.

Christmas this year

2008-12-03T09:28:00.000-05:00

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. I love the lights, the Christmas plays, the family get togethers, buying presents and watching someone open them,and all of the traditions. This year is different. I had to force my self to put up a tree. What normally I do happily is still yet to be finished. I do not feel strong enough to be around the family at the Christmas party where there will be a baby that was born just a couple of weeks before my son. My heart is so empty. I held my sweet niece, who was also born just 9 days before Peyton, and I couldn't help but think this should be him. I should be getting ready for my sweet angel's first Christmas, but instead I took a Christmas tree to his grave. It just doesn't seem right. It hurts so much that people who beat their child or neglect them still have their child. My sweet angel was and still is my whole world. My heart aches each day as I wake up and realize he is gone. I just want time to stop for awhile and let me catch up. I know that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan but I am selfish and just want to see my sweet boy smile again. I miss him so much. I know I am not alone and I just pray that all the others who are going through this know that they aren't either. I pray that God will give us all strength this time of year especially. My heart aches to hold my sweet baby, and I know they're probably feeling the same.

I do have hope knowing one day I will see him and that he is no longer suffering. I also hope to be blessed with another child. I know no one will ever replace my sweet baby,but I long to be a mother. I feel like it was what I am meant to do. I never knew how much my heart could love or what unconditional love was til I met my sweet Peyton. I don't know how God sacrificed his only son for me, but now I understand the magnitude of that statement. God loves us so much that he gave his son Jesus willingly so we could have everlasting life. That is so amazing. I couldn't have done it. I am human and selfish when it comes to my son. Man, he must really love us. Us, the people who sometimes wonder away. Us, the people who sometimes get sooooo angry when things don't go our way. Trust me I have been there. especially lately wanting to know why. Why do I have to live without sweet Peyton. I may never now why. I just know that without God I couldn't go on living. Without the hope of seeing my sweet angel again, I would probably just give up. I pray that we will all get through this difficult time of year.

April 5th, 2008

2008-11-22T23:54:00.001-05:00

Well I guess I should start from the beginning. I found out I was pregnant on October 24, 2007. We were ecstatic. We immediately called everyone and told them the new. We found out that our little Peanut was due July 3, 2008. I had "morning sickness" the whole time. We went on Valentine's Day and we found out we were having a boy. Brian's face lit up as soon as the tech announced to the room full of family that it was a boy. I was so excited to be pregnant. My sister was also pregnant at the same time and she was due early April. I went to every appointment and everything appeared to be fine. Little did we know we were in for the roller coaster of our life. My sister went in on March 25th to have my niece. She was born the following morning an I was so excited. I kept thinking in a few months I would be doing the same and taking my sweet lil boy home. Well why my sister was in the hospital I kept telling her my ankles were swelling and I had back pain. I had gained 15 lbs in 1 week after not gaining any weight my whole pregnancy. She urged me to call my doctor which I did. I was told that the weight gain was me just catching up. I ended up calling them again the next day after I checked my blood pressure and it was high and my fingers were so swollen that they turned blue. I ended up getting checked in for observation on that Friday and getting sent home a few hours later to do a 24 hour urine on Sunday. Well on Sunday I went to the ER after having chest pain and seeing spots. I also had a migraine(worst headache of my life). I heard what I was afraid of when my dr. walked into the room. He said I think its preeclampsia and I have consulted the high risk doctors. Keep in mind I was only 26 weeks. The high risk team came in and informed me that if it was preeclmapsia my child would have to be delivered and might not make it. My sweet innocent child was in danger because my body was attacking itself. There was nothing I could do. I received both steroid shots to help mature his lungs. The following Saturday after days of magnesium and monitoring I heard the words I had feared. My high risk doctor did an ultrasound because my sweet Peyton's heart rate was dropping. My OB came in and said its time. I was so worried but I prayed that God would watch over me and my little one. I had a sense of peace wash over me. I knew I had to trust in Him. My husband, Brian, wasn't there so I called him and told him the news. In minutes my whole family was there. They were all so worried but I told them we were going to be alright. They took me in and prepped me for surgery. They started and within minutes i heard the most beautiful thing. I heard a small cry. It was my sweet, beautiful boy. Peyton Elijah Ray Walker came in to the world fighting on April 5th. He was born at 27 weeks 2 days. He weighed 1lb 9oz and was 13 inches long. I prayed that my lil one would be born alive and God gave me the most beautiful miracle. I was so thankful. That was the best day in my life. God used my sweet Peyton to show us that miracles happen everyday. Little did we know how much that day would change our life.

Introduction

2008-11-11T08:28:00.000-05:00

Hi. My name is Mindy and I am 26 years old. I had my first child, Peyton, via c-section on April 5, 2008 at 27 weeks due to preeclampsia. He weighed 1 lb 9 oz when he was born. We had no idea what we were in store for. We were in the NICU where he was born for about 3.5 months. We had him moved to Nashville to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital to the NICU there where there were more specialists. He was seen by the top doctors at that hospital who finally came to the conclusion that there was nothing else that they could do. So we had to take our beautiful sweet angel off life support and let him go. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do considering I always thought I would get to bring my sweet baby home. I had to instead hold him in my arms and say goodbye. My life has been changed forever since that sweet beautiful creature came in and went out of my life. He showed me how deep and unconditionally I could love. Thats all I have for now.