Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye 2008: The best and worst year of my life

I am feeling a lil torn today as I prepare for the new year. This time last year I was looking forward to 2008 and my new life as a mommy. Now I look forward to 2009 as a new start after my sweet angel baby went to heaven. Best day of my life was April 5th, 2008 as I gave birth to Peyton Elijah Ray Walker, 1lb 9 oz 13 inch miracle. Worst day of my life was August 8th, 2008 as I had to say goodbye to my sweet miracle. I hope that Peyt knows he will never be forgotten. He will always be my baby, my first child. No matter if I am blessed with others he will always be my first. I love him and miss him everyday. Its hard sometimes to just get through the day I want him here so badly. I go on because I have to. God gives me strength or I would never get out of bed. I am looking forward to the new year and hope that 2009 will bring more memories and a better year. I look forward to trying again as I know the joy being a mother brings thanks to my sweet Peyton. I never knew my heart could love so much and so unconditionally. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to have him here, but I do feel peace knowing where he is. I love you Peyton. You are the highlight of 2008. Mommy misses and loves you so much. Happy New Year in heaven!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas Letter to My Sweet Peyton

Dear sweet Peyt,
I just wanted you to know that even though I know my arms are aching to hold you, I am so overjoyed that I can at least have peace that you are celebrating with Jesus. I can just imagine your big bright smile as you sit at our Father's table on that wonderful Christmas morn. I know that you will have a joyous celebration there while we are missing you here. My heart breaks that I will never experience Christmas with you but Mommy can't be selfish. God wanted you home with him and Mommy is so thankful for the time I had with you here. You made my life so much better my sweet boy. Mommy loves you sooo very much. I also smile as I think about you, Hannah, Carly, and all the other angel babies play around Heaven's tree. I know you all will be with us in our hearts until we can be there again. Just know that even though it seems like Mommy cries alot that its just because I miss you so much my sweet boy. I love you and miss you terribly. Please know that I will see you again one day. Until then I will miss you and keep your memory alive. I hope you liked your trees and your special ornament. Merry Christmas baby boy. I love you.
P.S. You will always be my baby just know that.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Please pray for Kayleigh and her family.

Monday, December 8, 2008

4 Months Today

Well the title says it all. Its been 4 months today since we said goodbye to our dear sweet boy. My heart is breaking as it feels fresh everytime the 8th of the month rolls around. I think well at this time x months ago we were kissing his precious face, etc. I hate the feeling of emptiness. Everyne is like just pray harder but sometimes try as I may nothing helps that pain. I do believe God is with me and he gets me through this without completely losing it. Without him I would not get through the day to day things. As a parent I long to hold my baby in my arms. I want to sing to him again, change his diaper, and tell him what a sweet, strong boy he is. Of course, the holidays are making the pain alot more raw. Everyone says what they can to try to help but sometimes they aren't sure what to say. I miss him so much and it hurts so bad. I want to be holding my baby telling him about Christmas. I know he gets to spend it with the one who was born on Christmas and died for our sins, but I am selfish and just want him here. Whenever someone complains cause their baby kept them up all night I just want to say cherish those moments. They can be taken away in an instant. Sorry this is so on the sad side, but thats how I feel today.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Christmas this year

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. I love the lights, the Christmas plays, the family get togethers, buying presents and watching someone open them,and all of the traditions. This year is different. I had to force my self to put up a tree. What normally I do happily is still yet to be finished. I do not feel strong enough to be around the family at the Christmas party where there will be a baby that was born just a couple of weeks before my son. My heart is so empty. I held my sweet niece, who was also born just 9 days before Peyton, and I couldn't help but think this should be him. I should be getting ready for my sweet angel's first Christmas, but instead I took a Christmas tree to his grave. It just doesn't seem right. It hurts so much that people who beat their child or neglect them still have their child. My sweet angel was and still is my whole world. My heart aches each day as I wake up and realize he is gone. I just want time to stop for awhile and let me catch up. I know that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan but I am selfish and just want to see my sweet boy smile again. I miss him so much. I know I am not alone and I just pray that all the others who are going through this know that they aren't either. I pray that God will give us all strength this time of year especially. My heart aches to hold my sweet baby, and I know they're probably feeling the same.

I do have hope knowing one day I will see him and that he is no longer suffering. I also hope to be blessed with another child. I know no one will ever replace my sweet baby,but I long to be a mother. I feel like it was what I am meant to do. I never knew how much my heart could love or what unconditional love was til I met my sweet Peyton. I don't know how God sacrificed his only son for me, but now I understand the magnitude of that statement. God loves us so much that he gave his son Jesus willingly so we could have everlasting life. That is so amazing. I couldn't have done it. I am human and selfish when it comes to my son. Man, he must really love us. Us, the people who sometimes wonder away. Us, the people who sometimes get sooooo angry when things don't go our way. Trust me I have been there. especially lately wanting to know why. Why do I have to live without sweet Peyton. I may never now why. I just know that without God I couldn't go on living. Without the hope of seeing my sweet angel again, I would probably just give up. I pray that we will all get through this difficult time of year.