Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. I love the lights, the Christmas plays, the family get togethers, buying presents and watching someone open them,and all of the traditions. This year is different. I had to force my self to put up a tree. What normally I do happily is still yet to be finished. I do not feel strong enough to be around the family at the Christmas party where there will be a baby that was born just a couple of weeks before my son. My heart is so empty. I held my sweet niece, who was also born just 9 days before Peyton, and I couldn't help but think this should be him. I should be getting ready for my sweet angel's first Christmas, but instead I took a Christmas tree to his grave. It just doesn't seem right. It hurts so much that people who beat their child or neglect them still have their child. My sweet angel was and still is my whole world. My heart aches each day as I wake up and realize he is gone. I just want time to stop for awhile and let me catch up. I know that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan but I am selfish and just want to see my sweet boy smile again. I miss him so much. I know I am not alone and I just pray that all the others who are going through this know that they aren't either. I pray that God will give us all strength this time of year especially. My heart aches to hold my sweet baby, and I know they're probably feeling the same.
I do have hope knowing one day I will see him and that he is no longer suffering. I also hope to be blessed with another child. I know no one will ever replace my sweet baby,but I long to be a mother. I feel like it was what I am meant to do. I never knew how much my heart could love or what unconditional love was til I met my sweet Peyton. I don't know how God sacrificed his only son for me, but now I understand the magnitude of that statement. God loves us so much that he gave his son Jesus willingly so we could have everlasting life. That is so amazing. I couldn't have done it. I am human and selfish when it comes to my son. Man, he must really love us. Us, the people who sometimes wonder away. Us, the people who sometimes get sooooo angry when things don't go our way. Trust me I have been there. especially lately wanting to know why. Why do I have to live without sweet Peyton. I may never now why. I just know that without God I couldn't go on living. Without the hope of seeing my sweet angel again, I would probably just give up. I pray that we will all get through this difficult time of year.
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I'm am so glad to see you haven't lost your faith! The love of God and Christ is all we need to get through these times. It's hard on us as humans but as a child of God He will carry us through our trials in life. My sweet Hannah was suppose to be born at Christmas and this would have been Carly's 2nd Christmas. I know tis time will be difficult for me, you and all the other parents who have lost a child. I pray that God gives us ALL the strength and courage to make it through these times. Satan will put people and ideas in our minds to try and get us off track but we just have to stay focused! My God be with you through these trying times. We will meet out babies again at the gates of Heaven and what a DAY that will be!
God Bless
In Christ,
Rachel
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