This time of year

I know its been a long time since I have posted. I have been busy getting ready for Peyton's lil sister's arrival. This time of year is so hard especially this year. I want to be excited and happy for our new lil girl's birthday and first Christmas but I miss my sweet boy so badly. He would be so big now. I know people think that by having a new baby on the way all the pain of missing your baby goes away. Sometimes I think its just the opposite. I will be a mother of two but only have one child with me. Everyone asks, "is this your first?" and I have to give the dreaded no my son passed away at 4 months old. Then its always"I'm sorry." I know unless you have been through this you can't truly understand. There will never be a time when I don't miss my son or want to be with him, even if I had 10 more children he is still my lil boy. I am going to go for now but I will try to post again a lil sooner next time.

Its been a year today

Its been a year today since we said goodbye to our sweet Peyton. I am missing him so much and my heart is breaking. I just want to hold him again. I am having a hard time grieving and trying to get ready for the new baby at the same time. I miss my sweet lil son so much I can't stand it. I love you Peyton. Mommy and daddy love you and miss you so much.

Another member to "the club"

Today I will go to pay my respects to another lil angel who went to be with Jesus way before his parents had wished. Unfortunately "the club" that no one ever wants to join has two new members. The club you join when your sweet child goes to be with the Lord before you. Please pray for Martha and Kevin as they enter this difficult time of saying goodbye for the last time on earth before they are reunited with Eli on the streets of Heaven one day. I just get comfort in knowing Peyton was there to greet him and they now play together at their Father's feet while they wait for us and wonder why so many tears are shed. Truly they are were we all long to be one sweet day. I hope our sweet angels look down on us today and realize how much they are loved and missed.

Looking towards the future cautiously

I know its been a long time since my last post but there has been alot going on these days. We found out on Easter that we are expecting our 2nd child and I have been having alot of exhaustion and morning sickness. I am now more aware of what can happen and go wrong so I find myself worrying over the smallest things. I am so afraid that this little one will join their big brother in heaven. I hope and pray that we make it past 27 weeks this time and that we get to bring our sweet baby home. My heart is so heavy as I miss Peyt more every day. I would give anything to see my sweet baby smile just one more time.
We also went to a memorial at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital where Peyt passed away. It was bittersweet to be at the last place where I held my child. It was a beautiful service and a room full of people who were all a part of a club that no one should have to belong to. I wish that another parent never had to say goodbye to their child again, but there is a reason for everything. I miss my sweet baby each day as his brother/ sister grows inside me and can't help but wish it was him and I could have my time with him again. Its not that this baby isn't wanted or loved for who he/she will become. This baby is a blessing I know, but I am human.
Anyways, I am going to go get some sleep now and try to get ready for another night at work. In case you are wondering this sweet baby is due December 22nd. Please pray for my husband and I while we struggle to figure out how to enjoy this pregnancy, and that this child will be born healthy and on time. Thanks so much. God bless you all.

Peyton's 1st Birthday

In just a few minutes it will be April 5th, 2009. I was looking forward to celebrating Peyt's first birthday. I was going to give him one of those little cakes and just let him enjoy it. Instead tomorrow our family and close friends will celebrate that day that our sweet angel came into our lives here on earth while he celebrates with Jesus in Heaven. I have to say that he will probably have a much better time than I will. I keep remembering this time last year. My lil miracle came into this world at 27 weeks on April 5th 2008 at 6:42PM. He was 1lb 9 oz and 13 inches long. I fell in love as soon as I saw him. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I am soo blessed and thankful for those 4 precious months with him. I just get selfish sometimes and want to have him here. Please remember me and my family as we celebrate his birthday tomorrow.

Missing my sweet baby

Its been awhile since I have posted but I have been busy trying to keep up with life. I have been working full time and am getting ready to start working my 2nd job. All the meanwhile I am learning to grieve. I am saddened each day as I remember I have to wake up, get up, and go on without my sweet Peyt. I love him so much and my arms ache to hold him. At times, all I can think about is him. His sweet face, his heart melting smile, the way he could always make a bad day better. I loved every minute of our short time together. I can only hope he knows how much he is loved and missed. It is getting harder as what would have been his 1st birthday approaches. I have to figure out a way to honor his memory on that special day. Well I am off to clean house. I miss you my sweet, beautiful angel.

Taking it day by day

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Its getting harder

I don't know if its finally starting to sink in but I've been having a hard time lately. I miss Peyton so much I can hardly breathe. I see his face when I close my eyes and I just want him here with me. His permanent grave marker was finally installed and it seems to make it more real that my little boy is gone. I see that stone and its like wow its real. It hurts so bad. I have been having alot of anxiety lately. I just hope I can keep his memory alive. It hurts whenever someone says "Do you have any children?" and my reply is always yes but he has passed away. I always get the same I'm sorry and I say its fine but its really not fine. It hurts so bad. Its supposed to be the child burying the parent not the other way around. I miss my sweet boy. I miss his smell, his smile, and even his cry. What I would give just to have him in my arms again. I miss him so. I have never loved anyone so much. Please keep me in your prayers for I am weak. Thanks.